cries...

  Some days you wake up to a field of chaos, landmines, a field where there are no flowers blooming, surrounded by darkness.  Today is one of those days.  I live in a world of beautiful sadness, a world filled with joy and a world filled with tears.  I am a blessed person to have the friends that I have.  To have the support that I have, helping me to move forward, to achieve great things.  In everyones life, though, rain and storms come, lightning flashes and thunder rolls, we look for shelter.  We try to run we try to hide, but sometimes you can't run, you can't hide, you can't find that shelter.  So there you are caught out in the rain and it comes down on you, falling like tears from heaven, and your smile becomes a frown and you kneel to the ground and place your hands on your face and you cry, you cry, you cry, and you look up towards heaven and cry out to God and ask why, why, why.

  And then, you cry

  Our group is made up of Super Heroes.  I won't name them because you already know who they are.

  Each have needs. Each have wants.  Each are the most giving people in the world.

  When a Super Hero needs to cry, needs to feel pain, needs to hurt, everyone runs because they don't know what to do, their hero is not strong.

  Heroes are not always strong, they are not always able to stand up against the storms of life.

  Sometimes our heroes need someone to hold them, to help them, to understand their needs.

  Right now in our group, we are all at that point.

  So what do we do, where do we all go for help.

  We are here for each other, but it is hard.

  I love each of you, each of you love me, we will make it through these storms.

  No matter what happens life will go on, each of us have our own communities to provide for, to help, to save.  We have ourselves to also take care of from time to time. 

  We can be Super Heroes, we can do these things that we dream of, but from time to time we have to have those around us understand that we are only human.

  Today has been a day of great sadness, and many tears, the capes that we wear are tattered.

  Tomorrow the sun will once again rise and the flowers will bloom again and our smiles will return.

xoxo

  Hi Everyone

  As many of you know I have been going through a lot lately.  I can't say everything on the web page, but I will say that one of my closest friends is dying.  It has not been allowed to be posted on here and so I have had to hide it from everyone.  This page is my outlet and my source of telling people that life can be beautiful even in the midst of great pain and anguish.

  I know that all of you in my family and among my friends that reads this knows that I am going through a lot right now and I am on the road to recovery, it has been a ride, a journey, of many tales.  But wow have we all come a long long way.  But what is more important right now is that my friend is sick.  I don't know how to help him.  I can't heal him.  I feel so helpless.  I want to scream.

  Right now my friends are trying to get me situated, get me on the road to moving, get me some counseling that I so badly need in order to comprehend everything that has happened. 

  I am working on a new project with News Channel 6 to give away 31 NOAA Weather Radios during the month of May, to mark the anniversary of the Tri-County Tornado. So far we have raised over 30000 for the victims, plus the 25000 donated, that is over 55000 of help that has gone straight to the needs of those hardest hit by the twister.  Plus we also have out the 1200 teddy bears to all the children to use as storm bears, security blankets when storms come back again.  WOW we have done great things together.  Thank you everyone that has helped and donated.  We are all a family on this planet of ours and we all need to work together to make it a better place for those around us.  We each have a calling.  We can do something to help make a difference. 

  Channel Six, NBC, is still working on their end of the details of this new project to see how we will pull it off.  I will keep everyone posted on that.

  My weather board Wright-Weather an incredible outlet for me to talk about weather and life just found out my real name.  I always posted under Josh Lindstrom, as that is the name I made up when I came to Canada.  Now i can use my real name again which is good.  Being a counselor myself in the past, it has been wild, when the people that always help people need help people don't know what to do and they sort of freak out.  Remember, that those around you that are always strong, are also human, and they need help sometimes as well.  We are all human and we all stumble and we then we try to get back up.  You have to help those people who are the helpers, sometimes more so than the others.  It isn't always easy.

  Ok I will try to update as I can, but be patient, this page will continue and many great things are ahead of us.

  The Shadow Angel Foundation will happen and is happening, just need to get a base now and we will be there!  I am very excited about what is to come ahead of us.

  XOXO to everyone - love you all   Beau

Sunday

  My friends and helping me pack everything up, in order to get things ready to leave Canada.  We have all had a rough few days, that is an understatement.  Doug broke his toe, and has been taken to the hospital this morning.  So pray for him! :)  He is in some pain.  David is helping all of us to hang in there and pushing us to move forward.  I have had probably the hardest few days of my life, over the past week.  Thankfully, I have had friends there to catch me and hold onto me through these vicious storms.  I swear sometimes you just have to hold tight and hope for the best.  It is not a perfect world or process, that is for sure. 

  It feels like a great hurricane has swept us all up into its spiral bands and we are riding the waves up and down and crashing all around.  My My My...how I dream of getting through this one and we will.  I am learning new life lessons by the minute.  Thankfully I have friends and family to get me through these days.  I have had a long road of recovery but you never just arrive - per se.  It is a constant battle.  You have to continue to fight and if you fall you have to get back up and that is what we have had to do these past few days. 

  Trying to process some of this information through my mind has been so very difficult.  I wish the world was perfect, but it is not.  I know that there is a new world coming that is more beautiful than this one.  I know that Shadow Angels is going to ROCK this world of ours and will be in the news from time to time doing GREAT things.  All of you have been a part of this process, of helping me get to where I am today.  It was not easy and it will still be a few steps more before I am there, but I am almost there.  Taking care of yourself is most important sometimes and that is what we are trying to do.

  I will be in Toronto for a few more days, then Waterloo and then Paducah.  We are going to have a counselor program set up for me when I arrive home so I can enter into that immediately.  That is what I need to stay on top of things.  So that is a good thing!  No defeat here, just doing the right thing for me and those around me in order to stay safe.

  What a ride this has all been.  I know we are going to do great things.  God did not bring this group of people together for no reason, he brought us together to change the world and the world we will change.  One person at a time.  First I need to fix me.  :)

  OK, we are ending the stages of packing here soon I will be in Waterloo, then soon I will be back in the arms of my family, one day at a time we will make it through all of this!

  There will be updates as I can...

  pray pray pray pray pray for all\ of us as we go through these times - KEEP HOPE ALIVE ALWAYS

  I SHALL OVERCOME...

Tuesday April 6th...

  Hi everyone.  It has been a rough few days up here.  Between Doug almost breaking his toe and everything else ack ack. :)  I have been sick in bed since Sunday, have not moved hardly at all.  Just now getting back out of bed, finishing packing and then I will go to Waterloo then to Paducah.  That is the current plan.  Hopefully, I will feel better today.  Sometimes I get this acid reflux problem and it is extremely painful and you can't even get out of bed.  So anyway that is what is going on over here at 19 Earl Street.  One day at a time :) We are almost there, the stress is high, but we are certainly making more and more progress.

  Looking forward to getting over to Waterloo and then Paducah.  I am just trying not to get too stressed out.  All of my friends have been really good to me and trying to help me through all of this.  I will get a nice counselor and more help for things down in Paducah we are working on all of that.  So we will get there just taking things as slow as possible.

  I don't know much else right now, so I will update when I can.  Take care everyone.

Wednesday April 7th

  Still packing here but slowly getting there.  It has been a long week that is for sure. 

  I have entered into a counselling program in Paducah.  I am waiting to hear back from them.  It is a treatment program for people who have addictions.

  When I was set free in Alabama what should have happened was I should have entered into a program to help teach me the skills that I need to stay drug and alcohol free.  Also to deal with my depression.  Because addictions don't just go away overnight.  It does not work that way.  Surely everyone knows that.  What has to happen is the person has to enter into a program.  That is why I put it in my goals that I was going to enter into a 30 day program when I returned to Toronto.  Then events unfolded that kept me from doing that or I decided not to do that instead and stayed out.  I should have entered the program though because I still struggle with different addictions.  I need to learn all of the skills to help me to stay away from stuff that is bad for me. :) Sounds easy.  It isn't.  Thus is the nature of all of this.  It all sounds so easy.  So that is why I have signed up for a program in Paducah.  It is an out patient program and it will help teach me what I need to know, how to fight addicted behaviors and so on. 

  This is a good thing and a big step for me, so be happy about this.  We all have things that we use to escape reality from, well most of us at least, be it beer, cigarettes and so on and so on, it is all the same.  Some of us just have a harder time dealing with the addictive part of it.  I am certainly one of those people and I am not afraid to admit it.  I am seeking the help that I should have gotten a long time ago and asked for a long time ago. :)  So all is good!

  This does not make me a broken person or anything of the sort.  What it makes me is someone who is strong enough to know when he needs some help.  :)

  I am a good person and I have to remind myself of that from time to time.  Even good people though have struggles and things that drive them batty, and they have to find a way to handle those things. 

  So we carry on, as we have been, but knowing that I am going to be in a program to help teach me the skills that I need to stay out of trouble and on the right path.  This program will start when I get to Paducah. :)  Which will be next week.

  Ok that is all for now...

--------------------------------------------

  And so be it :)  These are giant giant steps I am taking, they were not easy steps, but they are the right steps! :)  That is for sure!  I am happy that I am finally going to get some help.  I have fallen through the cracks way too many times.  I have allowed myself to fall through the cracks.  This is my problem.

  There were times that help was offered but I turned away, there was other times that I was getting help and then that help was removed from me.  Funny world that we live in, the system is not perfect.

  I know that all of you reading this have done a lot to help, more than anyone could ever expect.  In the end I have to be responsible for my actions and I have to take the steps to finish the process.  It sure isn't easy though. :)

  One day at a time, one day at a time, one day at a time. :)

  Continue to pray for me through all of this. :) That is the one thing I can always use!!!!!

  We have to make something of this story.  I can't just hide it all and pretend that is never happened.  I have to be willing to share the story in order for other people to see they can get help as well.

  That is what I will do and shall do, it is my responsibility!

  Evening:  :) What a day!

  I swear I feel beat up :) but you know you just keep going, you have to keep going.  You have to stay on top of things, it has been one of the more difficult weeks I have had.  This just shows you that you can have everything in the world and still have problems and issues.  Thus is life isn't it.  We try to make sense of all of it and sometimes it just swims in your head and gets to you. :)  This has been one of those weeks I guess.

  Everything has happened so fast to me over the past year or year and a half - so so fast.  I can hardly keep up with all of it.  It is no wonder I sometimes need a life vest thrown to me! :)  Who wouldn't, I have to realize this myself though.

  Sometimes I write too much, sometimes I say too much and sometimes I don't know when to not say anything. :)  I think perhaps this was one of those days or two.  I guess I write because it is an outlet for me, it is a way for me to try and express myself and try to learn about myself through what I write.

  I tell you though these days are difficult.  I mess up sometimes and make mistakes.  I do wrong things and then I beat myself up over them.  This isn't very helpful.  I know that.  :)  I will get there though.

  I guess everyone who reads my page knows that life isn't perfect.  I am guessing most of you have issues and problems some of us deal with them better than others.  But, we still all have problems and things that haunt us from the past.  You just have to keep moving forward, you fall down like I did and you have to pick yourself back up and keep going.  For yourself,your family, and your friends. 

  I have good people around me.  I have a strong support network and even though I may make mistakes and do things wrong I know that they will help me keep going through the storm.  To the other side.

  Anyway I will keep moving forward and stop looking behind me and trying to second guess myself.

  That is all I can do :)

  Thank you for all the prayers and for everyone that is rooting me on and being a part of the solution.  I truly appreciate that.  You have no idea! :)

Saturday, April 10th

  I am doing ok.  Everything is moving along.  I will be back home soon! :)  That is a good thing for now.  David is with me so that is good and we are making the best of the days as we go along.  You know not everyday can be sunny. There are days with rain, so nothing wrong with that.  It is all a process and there has been a lot happen in a short amount of time.  I am human and right now I have to take care of myself and do the right thing for me and make sure that I stay healthy and on top of the problems that I have from time to time.  That is a good thing.  I know everyone keeps me and everyone else in this group in their prayers and thoughts.  And for that we are happy.

  I saw Norman yesterday and he is doing just fine.  He has some projects going and well he just seemed very happy about everything.

  Doug and Erick, well they are hanging in there, sad to see me go but happy to see me starting over and doing the things that I have waited so long to do.  So you know as always a two edged sword.  But Erick and Doug they will make it as always and they have lots to keep them busy with.  So that is a good thing as well!

Anyway mother is starting to pack and move her things to her  new house - so :) I am happy about that.  This is a HUGE step for her.  I am happy that she is moving forward.

  Everyone else is doing ok, daddy said he is having to mow the yard and the grass is growing and I think he would rather not have to mow!  But he is doing good!

  So bottom line is that right now I am thinking about myself and trying to take care of me first.  Doug and David and Norman and others have always said TAKE CARE OF YOU FIRST - then let's worry about everyone around us.  That is hard for me :)  because I am usually the caregiver, but you know what, all of their advice and the advice of my family and other friends is correct - if you can't take care of yourself then you can't take care of others!

  That is about all I know this morning, signing off for now! :)

...

EASTER 2004
 

HAPPY EASTER EVERYONE
 

  Hi Everyone.  I am back in Paducah, Kentucky! :) YAY  I am HOME!

OK LET'S TURN THE PAGE :)  MOVING ON

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Email  beaudodson @ usawx.com   (remove the spaces)